Humilliation
2010-10-15
Iβm not allowed to have an opinion.
He doesnβt like it when I speak my mind.
He thinkβs Iβm bitching at him.
In truth Iβm not.
Iβm not used to not being able to say the things I want.
I have to think really hard about the things Iβm about to say in order to not offend him
. He getβs offended really easily.
It really is all about him. Heβs changed so much from when I first met him.
I can remember what his hands felt like as he strangled me,
I couldnβt breathe and my eyeβs were going funny.
He was screaming at me that he was going to kill me.
All I could think of was that I didnβt want to die in the bathroom and that my leg was hurting
. I felt like I was going to die,
I didnβt want to.
The left side of my face stung from where he slapped me
, that slap made me lose half a molar.
Heβs kicked, punched, and nearly killed me.
Heβs tried to stab me with anything from a butter knife to a meat cleaver
me trying in vain to protect myself with a half painted canvas.
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.
I shit you not.
I cant leave him.
Heβs psychotic.
I wont deny it.
He has problems.
Problems I didnβt know about when I first met him.
Problems I wouldnβt want any part of if I had known about them before hand.
I honestly thought he had crazy eyes. .
That was it.
I cant sleep properly.
Not in fear that heβs going to smother me in my sleep.
But in fear of everything.
I hate being alone now
.
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Heβs made me paranoid.
Paranoid about everything.
I donβt want to live like this,
but I cant get away.
Heβs like an addiction I will never fully kick.
I donβt want to be that girl.
I donβt.
I cant.
I can remember saying I will never be the girl that gets pushed around and beaten down.
But I am.
Itβs sad.
Itβs horrible.
He sayβs he cares
He does wonderful things for me.
We have a little girl together.
He does a lot of good things, but heβs evil.
Heβs the devil in disguise.
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Itβs horrible when he touches me after heβs hurt me.
Its been this way for a while.
I donβt want him to touch me.
I want to say leave me alone.
He orderβs me to lay next to him.
I often think about running out the front door. .
I didnβt have a baby then.
I lay next to him.
He runβs his hand up my leg, over my hips and grabs at my breastβs.
Make up sexβ¦
with a twist.
Itβs not passionate.
It doesnβt scream Iβm sorry.
Itβs pure fucking.
Hard and fast.
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Tears and blood.
My face in a pillow and my ass getting slapped.
Itβs confusing.
He thinkβs heβs punishing me.
According to society though heβs abusing me.
I know it. Iβm not silly.
Iβve tried to leave him.
It didnβt work. He thought I was going to clean out his bank accountβs and had them all frozen.
We got the new ATM cards in the mail 4 dayβs later.
He told me he would make it hard to leave him.
He meant it.
Iβve given up trying.
Iβve lost friends.
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Iβve been upset.
Iβve been angry to the point where I just scream.
Iβve been scared and humiliated.
But Iβm still alive.
Heβs an excellent father and an amazing lover.
When thingβs go to his advantage.
Nothing pointβs in my favour.
I have no job. He does.
I have no savings. He does.
I have nothing. He has everything.
Iβve been told to shut up and take it.
To say yes to everything.
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Give in and give him my all.
Iβve tried. Itβs just not me.
Iβm not submissive enough for his liking.
Heβs told me.
Iβm not supposed to cry.
He likes it when Iβm weak.
He loves it when Iβm powerless.
Iβm nothing. I feel so small.
He can slap me and call me a slut.
I take it.
I do it everyday.
Night comes again.
I lie in bed naked next to him.
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He pinches my skin.
Sometimes depending on his mood he runs a blade over my thighs.
He pulls my hair and whispers βSlutβ
Thatβs my queue to suck his dick.
I didnβt get down there fast enough.
He slaps me hard.
Grabs my hair and yanks my head down.
He rams his dick down my throat.
I gag.
Tears run down my face.
Iβm choking.
I hate it when he does this.
He fuckβs my head.
Slamming his dick further down my throat.
Heβs moaning.
Heβs close.
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He explodes in my mouth.
I look up at him.
Heβs waiting.
I swallow his load and open my mouth.
He loves it when I prove it.
He knowβs how much I hate swallowing.
I donβt know why I do it.
It makes him happy.
I like it when heβs happy.
It makes me happy.
I close my eyes as he walks away.
I wipe my mouth on the covers of the bed.
He comes back to thebed.
Iβm laying there. Unmoving.
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His eyes travel the length of my body.
He has a crazy look in his eyes again.
I know whats coming.
I donβt like it.
He lays beside me.
Kisses me on the lips and rolls over.
I wait until his breathing has evened out.
I know I can sleep now.
He has rules.
I must follow.
I have to be what he wants.
When he wants.
How he wants.
I close my eyes.
Tomorrow might be different.
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I hope it wont start like today.
I drift off to sleep.
I know I will wake up to him touching me.
Weβll fuck again.
Like we do everyday.
There might be a different story to tell tomorrow night. .